Every once in a while, the dream takes on a very familiar theme: my PhD and the teaching job that I now have. Last night's, too, was so convincing that when I woke up, I had to smile at how much it keeps me on my toes, so to say.
In the latest variation of the theme, I had just about completed my doctoral program and am looking for a faculty position. Other graduate students have found jobs and moved on, and all of them had completed their studies in engineering.
So, there I am, wondering to myself whether I, too, would have easily found a job if only I had a PhD in engineering. Meanwhile, my visa status is reaching its expiration date and I am worried about being booted out of the country, which, come to think of it, some of my students perhaps wish had really happened!
I woke up with a start, and immediately realized it was all a dream.
By now, I am used to this periodic visitor in my head.
What makes it all the more exciting is this: apparently such dreams are not that uncommon among university faculty.
A few years ago, I shared this with a music faculty colleague. She said that such dreams are practically the norm among musicians.
She then recalled the experiences of her graduate school professor, who was a renowned music conductor. Despite all his decades of experience and accolades, he would apparently have panic attacks every once in a while, worrying that the world would find out that he didn't know anything and that he was a fake.
One might think that such a panic attack--however rare it was--would be destructive. Not so. The professor apparently said that such dreams were reminders to him that he continued to be passionate about his work and that he would lay his conducting baton down if he no longer felt a slight sense of anxiety.
That is what I tell my students too--that I will think about retiring the day I realize that I have lost that tiny bit of nerves and if I take on a casual attitude towards my profession. Which is why I am at peace with these nightmarish dreams--these are reminders that I am not anywhere near taking my job for granted.
But, I am sure my system can easily knock that humility into me in kinder and gentler ways than waking me up in the middle of the night :)
1 comment:
Mmmmm. Very true that if the tiny bit of nerves is lost, you've lost "it" in every profession. Humility, alas, is a trait that can only be kicked in, not gently suggested !
Profound interpretation of a dream. Of course, should expect precisely that froma distinguished acadamecian.
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